Blending personal and farm life isn’t easy. Discover how couples navigate relationships, family roles, and finances.
Remember the days of watching linear TV, when Farmer Wants a Wife had us all hooked? As the most successful dating show globally, it has created 206 marriages and welcomed 516 babies. Who needs MAFS? We watch couples fall for each other, make commitments on air, and ride off into their happily ever after – or so it seems.
Unlike the whirlwind romances on Farmer Wants a Wife, building a life together on the farm takes more than a few sunset walks and shared glances over the cattle yards. However, the real story for these couples begins when the cameras stop rolling. This isn’t about planning a move, then a baby gender reveal, followed by their 20th wedding anniversary. It’s about navigating what life together looks like – particularly when blending a farm, families and new relationships. How do you integrate someone into farm life, manage ever-shifting roles, with romance and those sunset walks, working seven days a week? Whether through marriage or partnerships, blending families in a farming context presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth and connection when approached thoughtfully.
I don’t need to tell you that farming is a demanding and complex lifestyle where family and business overlap. Couple this with the fact that all intimate relationships should be a top priority, because a marriage or de facto relationship in a farm business only works when you prioritise it.
Integrating into farm life
When partners move in, they are not just moving into a home and sharing space – you are merging two lives into a dominating and shared routine. The new partner should know basic facts and goals, but you might be surprised that most couples do not talk about ‘the life plan’ before committing. Even if the partner does not have a financial interest or work on the farm, there needs to be conversations about how the business will influence their lifestyle.
What is the farm’s history?
What are the goals and priorities for the farm? Conversations need to be had about whether the focus is on expansion, diversification, sustainability, maintaining traditional practices, or a combination.
How is the plan influencing personal finances?
Remember, the farm is a passion and a business.
In addition to the practical side, there are more relationship-focused questions to ensure alignment and an understanding of each other’s personality and resilience. This isn’t about compatibility; instead, it is about getting to know each other and working on compromises at the start to remain aligned.
For a couple planning to live and potentially work together on a farm, here are 15 questions they might ask each other to ensure they’re aligned and prepared:
What do you think will be the most rewarding and most challenging part of living and working together, and how can we prepare for both?
- What does a successful day on the farm look like for you, and how can we help each other achieve that?
- How do you handle stress or frustration, and what can I do to support you during those times?
- How do you problem solve, and how do you think we can work together when challenges arise?
- How do you feel about sharing responsibilities? Do you prefer clear divisions of tasks or more flexibility?
- How do you prefer to divide responsibilities, and how can we ensure fairness?
- What’s your long-term vision, and how do you think we can combine our individual goals?
- What motivates you most when working, and how can we motivate each other during tough or busy periods?
- How do you handle disagreements, especially in a work environment? What strategies work for you?
- How do you feel about taking breaks or holidays away from the farm, and how should we plan for those?
- What role do downtime and relaxation play in our life, and how do you envision us balancing hard work with rest?
- What skill would you like to improve for the farm, and how do you think we can help each other learn or grow in those areas?
- How do you like to celebrate achievements, big or small, and how can we create moments to appreciate each other’s efforts?
- Are we staying in farming until we retire?
- Do you want children? What will their lives look like on a farm and at school?
When the farm is a family business
How does a new partner blend into a larger family unit if the farm business is a family affair, such as intergenerational or if owned by siblings? A start is to ensure mutual respect and an understanding of the dynamics to ensure harmony.
Understanding the family dynamics. As the new partner, take time to learn the roles, relationships, and expectations within the family.
As the partner, you can explain family traditions, rules, and how decisions are arrived at.
Agree to communicate openly. Establish open lines of communication with your partner and their family members. Discuss boundaries, concerns, and expectations early to avoid misunderstandings.
Show respect for the farm’s history. As the new partner, acknowledge and respect the legacy and hard work that has gone into the business. You can also be curious and appreciative about their traditions and the farm’s role in the family identity.
As the partner, you need to share as much information as possible and be open to a new viewpoint on how some things could be done.
Clarify your role. You both need to work with the family to define your role as a new partner on the farm. If you will not be working in the farm business, you will still have a supporting role to play.
Respect boundaries. As a couple, both partners need to balance personal time alone and maintain privacy as a couple, as well as with the family, so that everyone can build a relationship.
Build relationships individually. As the new partner, getting to know each family member one-on-one is crucial to building trust and rapport.
Be open to feedback. Both people in the relationship need to know that they will need to make adjustments in the first 12 months and be ready to adapt to changing situations. Stay positive and be willing to compromise or make changes where necessary.
Celebrate together and celebrate the small things. As a couple, create traditions and celebrate the small and the bigger things together. Participate in family occasions and celebrations and be part of gatherings.
The practical discussions
Partner relationships are a primary focus, and no one starts with the thought that it will end. However, it is crucial to address one topic that many find difficult to discuss, which is the cause of many disagreements if not addressed at the start: money. In addition to finances, couples need open and honest communication across all areas of their lives. This includes their finances, budgeting, investments [together or separate], and debt management. If the discussions have yet to be had and safeguards for both parties are not in place, there could be an issue between the parties in the future due to misunderstandings and disagreements. This is also the case for inheritances, as it could be subject to division or if a debt defaults, even if the couple have since separated.
The primary motivation for couples in a family business, their own business, or a business partnership – especially an intergenerational one – is to establish clear financial agreements and safeguards that protect both the business and the relationship.
These are some of the points that should be considered for discussion and planning:
A Prenup Agreement. A prenup gives both parties clarity around the financials rather than ambiguity about their responsibilities and obligations in the relationship. This offers the benefit of open and honest communication across all areas of finances, including budgeting, ownership rights and debt obligations. A prenup can also protect both parties, avoid future disputes and ambiguity, and complement a will.
It is important to approach any prenup discussion with open and honest communication. Also, both parties must consider each other’s circumstances and concerns. Future children from the relationship and children born before the relationship also need to be considered when discussing a prenup. Seeking professional advice from a family lawyer can help navigate the legal requirements and assist in creating a prenup agreement that is fair and acceptable for both.
Alignment of long-term goals. Every couple needs to share their individual goals and what they want to achieve together. There also needs to be an agreed alignment for the farm as a business, a lifestyle, an income source, and how it intersects with family.
Involvement and understanding of the finances. How this is discussed will depend on how involved a new partner wants to become in the farm as a business. If they are also investing in or drawing income from the farm, both parties need to agree on the financial structure and how income, expenses, and profits are managed and shared.
If the partner is to work on the farm but will not have a shareholding or financial interest, there needs to be an agreement. They also need to be paid fairly for the hours they work. This will avoid any future disputes or claims.
Establishing responsibilities. Because a farm is a business, and often, it is 24/7, the couple needs to discuss who is responsible for what and what the partner’s role will be across each season.
If the farm is intergenerational, there will also need to be a wider family discussion and mutual agreement.
Relationship WOF. Taking time to reconnect can include a relationship WOF. I have said this before: revisiting relationship and personal goals together is a good way for a couple to come back to alignment because factors can change thinking from time to time. This is called a ‘Relationship WOF’ and can be fun. You can liken it to spending time on your relationship as you do maintaining a farm – it needs time to keep running smoothly.
Beyond the immediate demands of work, as a couple, you also need to consider the impact of external influences on your relationship and personal long-term goals. Reassessing your shared vision, principles, and goals ensures you are aligned and on the same path or if external factors are clouding or changing your future thinking and long-term goals.
Plan for dispute resolution. Agree on how to address and resolve conflicts constructively with each other or other family members [if applicable].
What to do as a family
When someone new enters the family fold, it changes the dynamic in business and our personal lives. On the business side, collaborative decision-making for major farm matters fosters a supportive environment and fairness, with clear expectations for everyone involved.
Encourage a prenup conversation. Support the idea of a prenup as a practical way to protect the family business interests and assets that may come in with the new partner while also confirming rights and responsibilities.
Clarify roles and expectations. Before the partner moves in, discuss what opportunities they could bring and what their involvement will be [or not]. As a family, you can discuss what is expected or not expected to avoid misunderstandings.
Provide mentorship and guidance. Offer help and guidance in learning about the farm operations [and family dynamics]. It also provides an opportunity to get to know them and for everyone to learn more about each other.
Align long-term goals
Develop a clear succession plan. Before it is needed, define what a succession will look like. Outline the roles and responsibilities of each family member, including ownership transitions. Engage legal and financial advisors to create a written succession plan. Ensure the couple participates in discussions to align their future leadership and inheritance expectations.
Formalise retirement plans, which may align with the succession plan. What will the post-retirement arrangements and financial support look like? Ensure the plan includes agreements about housing, farm involvement, and income streams after retirement.
Draft a Family Business Agreement. If there is not one already, seek professional advice to draw up an agreement that defines decision-making protocols, conflict resolution processes, and financial contributions.
It should include clauses about how assets, profits, and losses are shared among family members and the couple.
Establish transparent financial practices. If this still needs to be put in place, consider open and regular communication on financial health, including debts, revenue, and investments. Provide the couple access to financial records and involve them in budget planning to ensure transparency and trust.
Bridgette Jackson is a CDC-certified Divorce/Separation Coach with a postgraduate dispute resolution qualification. She is also a trained divorce mediator (AIMNZ), a Relationship Coach (Institute for Life Coach Training), and a member of the Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership (accredited by the ICF – International Coaching Federation). Bridgette is also a Certified Organisational Coach, Level One with IECL (Institute of Executive and Leadership Coaching) and an enrolled barrister and solicitor of the High Court of New Zealand.
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