Most kids are online every day, and most parents have little idea who they're actually talking to. here's what parents can do to keep their children safer.
The problem is the stranger doesn’t knock anymore. These days, strangers message your child on a phone or through a game console. And most parents never see them coming.
Grooming: What it really means
‘Grooming’ sounds like a technical term, but it’s really just slow, careful manipulation. An adult pretends to be someone they’re not, like a child, to win a child’s trust and then turns that trust towards abuse.
It often starts with a friendly approach, maybe in an online game or a chat request from someone who claims to be the same age. Over time they build trust with compliments or small gifts like gaming credits. Then they begin to isolate the child, saying things such as, “This is our secret” or “Your parents wouldn’t understand”. Once that trust is locked in, they start asking for photos, videos or even to meet up.
Predators don’t rush. They wait, they plan and they play the long game.
Why kids get caught
Children aren’t careless. They’re targeted. Predators know exactly what they’re doing. They look for kids who want to fit in, who respond to kindness, who might feel left out or who are isolated. They offer attention, sympathy and constant contact. To a young person, that feels like friendship.
To the predator, however, it’s bait. What’s worse is that there are chat groups where such predators talk, where they share contacts, tips and even advice on suitable techniques. Predators thrive in the shadows. Being engaged and actively participating in your children’s lives makes grooming much more difficult for those predators.
It’s happening here too
This isn’t just an overseas problem. New Zealand courts are seeing more and more of it.
In Dunedin in 2024, a 23-year-old was jailed for posing as a teen to get children to send sexual images. In Christchurch, another 23-year-old was sentenced to more than three years in prison after Customs found he was sharing child abuse material.
Operation AB, also in 2024, was a four-year investigation that took down a network of seven men trading thousands of photographic files. At least one child was rescued.
These aren’t scare stories. They’re real cases from our own courts. And it’s not just a city problem. Rural kids are online too, often with fewer supports or checks around them.
Where predators hide
They use the same apps and games most kids do: TikTok, Snapchat, Instagram, Discord, Roblox and Fortnite. The danger zone is private messaging. A child might be gaming in the living room while also secretly chatting with an adult stranger overseas, all the time thinking it is a friend the same age. Parents often have no idea.
Warning signs
Watch for new ’friends’ your child won’t talk about, sudden secrecy with devices or closing screens quickly when you walk in. Changes in mood, being anxious or withdrawn, or unusual requests for money or vouchers can also be signs something is wrong. One sign on its own might not mean much – but together they’re a warning.
Talking with kids
Many parents feel lost. “I don’t understand the apps, how can I protect them?” The instinct is to take the phone away, but banning it often drives the problem underground.
What helps most is trust. Ask about their online world – what they’re playing, who they talk to, what they enjoy. Show interest. Make it normal to talk about. Then if something feels wrong, they’re more likely to speak up.
Practical steps
Teach kids the ‘stranger test’. If they wouldn’t tell someone their home address in person, they shouldn’t share it online. Use privacy settings to limit who can contact them. Talk about photos and remind them that once they’re sent, they’re gone. Spend time online with them now and then – to learn, not to spy. And if something does happen, report it. Netsafe (0508 NETSAFE) or the Police can help.
Why it matters
The internet isn’t going away. The challenge is teaching our children to guard their digital gate as carefully as we once guarded our front door.
Predators rely on silence and secrecy. The best defence is open conversation, sharp eyes and acting quickly when something feels off.
The stranger at the gate doesn’t look dangerous until you know who’s behind the screen.
John Sheddan is a director of Gore law firm, Sheddan Pritchard Law Ltd. He specialises in rural and commercial issues involving rural and residential property sales, business sales, leases and subdivisions. John also has a background in IT and a strong interest in technology and the legal issues it creates. Sheddan Pritchard Law Ltd is a member of NZ LAW Limited, an association of 62 independent law firms practising in more than 100 locations.
Information given in this column should not be a substitute for legal advice.
Images by Adobe Stock
